Body Diversity & the “magic letter” – the importance of being true to self my latest article in Seattle Gay News – follow the link to the story
Follow this link to the article “Trans Ninja” that I wrote for Seattle Gay News
“When did you start transition?” The most commonly asked question and misunderstanding
- am I safe in here
- & some are figuring out which restroom to use ~ which will be less embarrassing or more safe
Many try to hold as long as they can to avoid this entire scenario. Being someone who has now experienced both the women’s and men’s restrooms in our crazy world, I can tell you they like two different countries. In the women’s room, women talk! They make friends. They ask complete strangers to help them fix their bra strap, or solve any number of female issues. Women’s room are also sooooo much cleaner. That is the only thing I miss about the women’s room. In men’s rooms no one hardly makes eye contact or speaks. There is an occasional nod as men pass each other entering or exiting and that is it. It is not a social time as it many times is in the women’s room.
One big dilemma for FTM transgendered people is – what will people think if I always use a stall and sit to pee. Most FTM’s are very self-conscious about this. In some other countries many mothers teach boys to pee sitting so the don’t end up with drips on the toilet. There is nothing wrong with sitting and peeing! Own it or buy something to help you stand and pee.
There are now many products meant to help one pee standing. Check them out
- The Pstyle ~ http://thepstyle.com/
- Stand2Pee ~ DVD that teaches you how ~ http://www.stand2pee.com/
- PackandPee ~ http://www.mangoproducts.net/PackAndPee.htm
- GoGirl ~ http://www.go-girl.com/
- ShePee ~ http://shepee.org/
It was recently brought up in a conversation with a friend that there really isn’t much information out there for partners dealing with certain aspects of transition. I have been coaching some trans guys and their partners on just this subject. One question I have been asked several times by partners, girlfriends or boyfriends of transgendered people is “How do I make love to my transgendered lover in a way that makes them comfortable and a way that makes them feel loved?”. First of all, if you are having sex with (or thinking of having sex with a transgendered person) one very important thing like the use of the correct pronoun will make that person feel more comfortable. How you refer to the person’s body parts is the same way. Most transgendered guys do not have bottom surgery because it is not that good and you could loose feeling. Therefor we are guys who technically still have a vagina but I,certainly, and most of us don’t want you to call it that and after being on testosterone for a while believe me it is not the same. Each individual is different in how they want you to address their genitals. So as with pronouns; when in any doubt- ask. This is one way to make your transgendered lover feel more comfortable and that you understand them. Some transgendered people are very uncomfortable with their bodies the way they are now, helping them feel that you see them the way they see themselves, and want the world to see them, will open them up to you and help them feel understood.
Sex does change on hormone therapy, even for partners that have been together a long time. For transmen your clitoris become much larger and much more sensitive. It also gets very hard and reacts very similar to a penis. The sex drive for transmen increases and for transwomen usually decreases. These are general things that can help, but when making love to anyone communication is the most important part of being a good lover! Don’t be afraid. Even if it makes your trangendered lover a little uncomfortable at first- TALK about it. Everyone wants a lover that cares enough to find out want they want and like and what drives them wild. Everyone wants a lover that is sensitive to how they receive love.
So– HOW do you bring this topic up in conversation? If a potential lover approached me I would want them to say something like “I want to make love to you in a way that makes you comfortable. How can I do that for you?” It is important to me that my partner tell me that they love my body and want to learn my language. Everyone has “trigger” words they don’t like. For example; some women (straight, gay, or trans) don’t like the word “cunt”. Other women are totally fine with it. It is all a matter of learning your lover. Some people try to have sex the same way with every partner. As if they run on auto-pilot. This is ridiculous, and won’t help anyone enjoy themselves. Taking time, and making an effort are the keys to creating the right environment to have amazing sex. Even though these intial conversations are uncomfortable to have at times; when a lover cares enough to ask these questions- at least for me- it means a great deal. Whoever you are making love to- make the effort to learn them. Ask the questions. Study your lover. Now get out there and make some GOOD lovin’!
I have been asked the question several times and seen this question posted on sights, “How do you love a Trans person”? This amazes me, arent we all individuals and different? But I will try and tackle it. We Trans people are like all other people, we want to be seen, heard, loved, felt, understood, adored, and we want someone who can get us and connect. You may think we are more complicated but actually we are all complicated. It takes someone caring enough to explore what makes you tick. Each person is different. Maybe a few things that we have in common best I can tell is that we want you to judge us for our spirit not just our physical bodies. We don’t want you to think you know who we are or judge us due to the body we were born in. We want you to get and respect our energy, our spirit and value that more then the exterior. We want you to understand that gender is not black and white and just let us be who we are and not try and put us in a box. We Don’t FIT! We want you to be willing and open to explore even though you don’t totally understand, because really we don’t totally understand, we are just being who we feel. Give us that FREEDOM! and we will give you the FREEDOM to be whomever you are. We can all be FREE, what an amazing concept. We are all forced by this confining society to be or present as things to please or fit into this convuluted world that are not really true to us. We all wear some mask and put them on to make it in this judgmental, conforming world in order to survive and have some simulation of success. You want to know how to love a Trans person… its really simple. I don’t really think its different from what ANYONE else wants. The FREEDOM to be who ever the fuck they are and be respected, seen, hear and loved in that. There is no easy way to fix this, there is no easy way to fly. These gender boxes are ingrained deep within our society and our training. We just do our best to try and understand each other, be open to one another and to walk this journey together giving each other room to be and grow, love and expereience and succeed. I want to care about you and your journey and I want you to care about mine. We are afterall, all connected weather that is hard to admit or not. Maybe I’m living in a dream, but I like my dream.